Life @ the Intersection | Life Coaching with David Tay

Live in the here and now

Wed, 26 May 2010 07:59:53 +0000

Sister Stanislaus Kennedy shared these thoughts in her book “Now Is The Time“, and I feel she is reminding us that all we have is now: yesterday is gone, tomorrow does not exist, and both are illusions of our own minds:

“Everything has its time, and that time is always now. The time is always now to live our lives, every minute, every hour, every day, every year. Whatever circumstances we find ourselves in, those are the circumstances we have to live with, now. Now is the time to live the lives we have been gifted with. If we put it off tomorrow to live, then we have lost today.”

“Life is for living but we can miss it and let it pass us by if we are unwilling or unable to engage with it in the present. Life is not a consumer good, a thing to be grasped, held, used. We cannot cage life, we cannot freeze it; it moves on, it races and limps, it changes pace, it reaches highs and sinks to lows; sometimes it is too slow and too sluggish for us, at other times too fast to follow and difficult to bear. It is the most we can do, sometimes, to keep up with it.”

“The real measure of life is not whether we have lived the length of our days, but whether we have lived the depth and breadth of them – whether, in other words, we have lived them to the full. All the experiences of life – births and deaths, loving and losing, gaining and failing, laughing and crying – happen in every life and we cannot avoid, evade and elude them. We cannot reduce life to our own size. What we can do is explore and drink deep from each moment; accept, acknowledge, rejoice in every experience, some exhilarating, some exhausting, but all of them important; endure every part of the way; learn from every colourless as well as from every colourful moment in our lives.”

“Life is not what happens outside of us; life is happening inside of us. Life not only happens to us; it happens in us, it happens through us, it happens because of us and in spite of us. Life is lived both through what we bring to it and through what we take from it.”

“There is no such thing as a meaningless moment or a meaningless life. If we are open to it, life will teach and shape us to become people of wisdom, compassion and joy, in our age, in our time. For that to happen, every small part of life must be lived. If we are open to life, the cycle of time shapes and reshapes our misshapen selves until we become what we are called to be.”

“To live life well, we must live the present moment. But it is not easy to be present to the present, because we are constantly told to be looking in front of us. Very often we are not here at all, we only think we are here. We live with one foot in tomorrow: what is coming is seen as more important than the now; what is yet to be got, to be seen, to be achieved, can easily become the all-important thing; and while we wait for it and live with our plans, the present moment, which is very rich within us, is lost. As Brendan Kennelly says, ‘How easy it is to maim the moment with expectation, to force it to define itself.’ “

Our minds tend to focus on the future – on what’s going to happen or what we wish to happen; or we tend to dwell on the past – either fretting over some mishaps or savouring some beautiful memories, that often we are hardly in the present. There is this relentless pursuit of a ‘better tomorrow’ or the constant reminder of something good or bad that happened yesterday, that we fail to notice the beauty of what’s happening now!

I feel it is the way we have been conditioned to function – that today is never good enough, and tomorrow will be a ‘better day’. How do we make sense of all this when ‘tomorrow does not exist’ and since it does not exist, how do we know it will be better or not – all we have is now, and we have allowed ourselves to be suckered into this illusion? And because of this ‘belief of a better tomorrow, a brighter future, a place in paradise’ that many of us have stopped living, let alone living life to the fullest!

Whatever Life has to offer to us now, it is for us to be fully present, to discover, to know, to learn; and despite our conditioned state of mind to judge and put labels to things that happened to us, know for certain that Life has its own unique way of teaching us and awakening us to who we are.

Life is – live it, embrace it fully – now!

Bring Your Gift to Work

Thu, 20 May 2010 12:31:13 +0000

Seth Godin wrote in his latest book “Linchpin” of the gift of emotional labor, and this is the extract:

“When you do emotional labor, you benefit. Not just the company, not just your boss, but you. The act of giving someone a smile, of connecting to a human, of taking initiative, of being surprising, of being creative, of putting on a show – these are things that we do for free all our lives. And then we get to work and we expect to merely do what we’re told and get paid for it. This gulf creates tension. If you reserve your emotional labor for when you are off duty, but you work all the time, you are deprived of the joy you get when you do this labor. Now, you’re not giving gifts on duty, but you’re not off duty much at all. Spend eight or ten or twelve hours a day at work (not only in the office, but online or on the phone or in your dreams), and there’s not a lot of time left for the very human acts that make you who you are and who you want to be.”

Some of us may ask: “What do we get in return?” In most cases, we may get little in return. At least in terms of formal entries in our permanent file or bonuses in our year-end pay. But we do benefit. First, we benefit from the making and the giving. The act of the gift is in itself a reward. And second, we benefit from the response from those around us. When we develop the habit of contributing this gift, our coworkers become more open, our boss becomes more flexible, and our customers become more loyal.

“The essence of any gift, including the gift of emotional labor, is that you don’t do it for a tangible, guaranteed reward. If you do, it’s no longer a gift; it’s a job.”

How many of us bring this gift of life to work? Or, do we treat life like some kind of transaction that ‘we will only give if we know we will get something in return’? Or, do we abide by a scarcity mentality – ‘never giving, always taking’?

I know the reason for my being, is to enlarge the lives of others. And in this natural state of being, my life will be enlarged too, and all things I have been taught to concentrate on will take care of themselves.

Check in regularly. Be mindful of our thoughts (& reactions) whenever we are faced with situations in life (be it at work or elsewhere) that ask us to give our gifts…unconditionally.

Be spontaneous. Give…let if flow naturally.

How has modernity improve our communications with one another?

Fri, 07 May 2010 01:53:56 +0000

Henry David Thoreau wrote the following thoughts during the period of 1845-47 when he lived in the woods, and I feel it speaks so aptly about the way we live our lives in modern society:

“Our inventions are wont to be pretty toys, which distract our attention from serious things. They are but improved means to an unimproved end, an end which it has already but too easy to arrive at; as railroads lead to Boston to New York. We are in great haste to construct a magnetic telegraph from Maine to Texas; but Maine and Texas, it may be, have nothing important to communicate.”

We are besieged daily by the major telecommunication companies to get the latest gadgets with the state-of-the-art applications, the fastest modems, and lots of free text messages. And we are constantly glued to the facebook and twitter etc, yet how has all these modern technologies helped improve our communications with one another? More often than not, the messages we get from these channels serve little for the enrichment of our lives except to know the latest gossip or that someone got an itch on his nose!

Henry David Thoreau added: “…such a predicament as the man who was earnest to be introduced to a distinguished deaf woman, but when he was presented, and one end of her ear trumpet was put into his hand, had nothing to say. As if the main object were to talk fast and not to talk sensibly. We are eager to tunnel under the Atlantic and bring the old world some weeks nearer to the new, but perchance the first news that will leak through the broad, flapping American ear will be that the Princess Adelaide has the whooping cough.”

We may find these thoughts amusing but do make a conscious effort to observe and be aware of all the ‘communications’ (or lack of it) that are happening around us.

How often have we used these modern telecommunications in strengthening relationships with one another, in having a better understanding of one another, and to touch one another at a deeper level?

Be mindful of your intentions the next time you activate your mobile or email or facebook – on how these connections are improving your communication with all others.

Help a man to help himself

Fri, 30 Apr 2010 02:00:41 +0000

I came across these thoughts on Philanthropy by Henry David Thoreau in his book “Walden” and I feel it would be good to share them with you.

“A man is not a good man to me because he will feed me if I should be starving, or warm me if I should be freezing, or pull me out of a ditch if I should ever fall into one… Philanthropy is not love for one’s fellow-man in the broadest sense. Howard was no doubt an exceedingly kind and worthy man in his way, and has his reward; but, comparatively speaking, what are a hundred Howards to us, if their philanthropy do not help us in our best estate, when we are most worthy to be helped?”

This brought to mind a famous quotation: “Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day; teach him how to fish, and he will eat for a lifetime.”

It is wonderful that we have generous people who give a good portion of their wealth to the poor and needy. At the same time, we are grateful to the ones who give selflessly of themselves to these people through their lives and voluntary works.

However, I feel its important that we help the poor and needy to re-discover their worthiness and confidence in themselves. To guide them in their journeys that they have it in them to overcome the odds and to create a life that they deserve. Not just the poor and needy, but everyone whom we meet on a daily basis – to remind one another that we are complete and everything that we desire in life, it’s all there in us!

Continue to give generously – be it cash, in kind or your service; and when you do, explore how you can help him be on his feet again. It is definitely a possibility that the person you have helped along the way, will not only be able to help himself but also to help others as well.

Make a difference in someone’s life today.

Have we had enough already?

Thu, 25 Mar 2010 21:29:12 +0000

We have been so conditioned to live a life of achievements – striving for a higher education, a job promotion, a bigger house, a personal best in everything we do, that we may have acquired a misplaced view of life. This relentless pursuit of sorts has been ingrained in most of us that we have the perception that our lives are not complete without these ‘achievements’, that life is a constant grind of accumulating ‘things’, that our lives will ‘never be fulfilled till we attain the ultimate whatever’!

Take a look around us in society: What are the messages we are getting everyday, every moment of our lives? That our lives are not complete because we don’t have the apartment by the sea, the snazzy sports car, the latest fashion wear; that our bodies are less than perfect unless we go for a botox shot, liposuction, take an endless cocktail of supplements, join a ’state-of- the-art’ gym; that we will missed out on scoring distinctions in our exams and getting into the prestigious universities, without engaging the services of the ‘experts’ in educational researches!

This is not about consumerism and driving the economy but a case of mindless living. This relentless need to fill our limited physical space with the latest toys & clothes, to be number one in everything we do, to make a name for ourselves in society in whatever areas – is like a runaway train without brakes! It is an imprisonment of our lives, tying us to the illusion that we are ‘a lesser person’ without all these frills and fittings.

And we don’t seem to have had enough?

This is not just about the conservation of the earth’s limited natural resources. This has more implications on the preservation of our souls, of waking up to who we are; on living responsibly with every living thing, discovering our purpose on earth, and how we are living life for the moment.

Allow everything to be as it is

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 22:12:18 +0000

This statement: “Allow everything to be as it is” which came from a few enlightened beings, resonates very strongly in me that it made me reflect over how often we have a tendency to want to have control over almost everything in life. And this ‘control freak’ in us is often the cause of much of our sufferings and pain that we think that if we ‘do not control’ whatever that life offers to us, we will end up the ‘loser’.

The extract (below) was taken from the book: “The Best of Inquiring Mind”:

“Our intention is to affirm this life, not to bring order out of chaos or to suggest improvements in creation, but simply to wake up to the very life we’re living, which is so excellent once one gets one’s mind and one’s desires out of its way and lets it act of its own accord.”

Life is complete and perfect. It’s our egos who will go into a lie that it’s not so; and we have enough advocates of this illusion in society who are constantly bombarding us with messages of fear, that unless we ‘buy something or follow someone or make an offering of sorts’, our lives will be ‘less than pristine’.

Take a look at our relationships with people. How often have we ‘interfered and intervened’ with how they live their lives just because we have another idea how they ought to live their lives?

Notice especially with people closest to us: our partners, our spouses, our children, our family and friends – how we have a tendency to want to ‘control them’ according to our misplaced perception of what’s best for them? Yes we can offer advice and share our feelings but the choice is theirs, and it is for them to discover the beauty of life on their own.

Be mindful every time you see yourself veering towards controlling someone or manipulating his thoughts and actions – pause, reflect…and allow everything to be as it is.

Appreciate the worth of the person inside, not what’s outside

Thu, 11 Mar 2010 21:00:53 +0000

Dressing up and looking good is fun and to some extent, it appeals to the vanity in us, however, I could never comprehend the incessant demand for certain dress codes at work and even at some social functions.

Let me share some thoughts taken from Henry David Thoreau in his book “Walden”:

“I say, beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather a new wearer of clothes. If there is not a new man, how can the new clothes be made to fit? If you have any enterprise before you, try it in your old clothes. All men want, not something to do with, but something to do, or rather something to be.”

“Let him who has work to recollect that the object of clothing is, first, to retain the vital heat, and secondly, in this state of society, to cover nakedness, and he may judge how much of any necessary or important work may be accomplished without adding to his wardrobe…”

“…no man ever stood the lower in my estimation for having a patch in his clothes; yet I am sure that there is a greater anxiety, commonly, to have fashionable, or at least clean and unpatched clothes, than to have a sound conscience…”

“I sometimes try my acquaintances by such tests as this: who could wear a patch or two extra seams only, over the knee? Most behave as if they believed that their prospects for life would be ruined if they should do it. It would be easier for them to hobble to town with a broken leg than with a broken pantaloon [pants]…”

“Often if an accident happens to a gentleman’s legs, they can be mended; but if a similar accident happens to the legs of his pantaloons [pants], there is no help for it; for he considers, not what is truly respectable, but what is respected.”

How often have we allowed fashion to dictate to us who we are? How often have we let ourselves be defined by the dress codes laid down by the corporation, by society? And how often have we taken a stand to be comfortable with what we wear instead of conforming to norms that we have no clue what they stand for?

More importantly, do we judge our self-worth and that of others by the clothes we wear? Or, do we see beyond the facade and appreciate the inner beauty of the person?

Align yourself with organizations, communities and friends who place greater value on who you are rather than what you wear.

In silence, listen to the roar within

Thu, 04 Mar 2010 23:25:06 +0000

I came across these thoughts from David Kundtz:

Mother Theresa once said: “God cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence.” For Mother Theresa, activity did not lead to God, silence did; but it is also obvious that the God she encountered in silence led her to remarkable activity.

This is a fine example of the truth that the reason for Stopping is going. Spending time doing nothing creatively and on purpose, giving your spiritual values opportunity to be present and urgent to you, has the result of prioritizing your whole life. It clarifies and motivates. It can move you to magnificent activity.

In our daily pursuit of activities, be it work or play – sometimes mindlessly, many of us are so caught up with this flurry of busy-ness that we seldom stop to listen to the voice within…

A Stillpoint involves ceasing what you are doing, breathing and turning your focus within yourself. Some of us are quite comfortable going within ourselves, and do it regularly; others are not so comfortable and find the process daunting and unfamiliar. If you are in the latter group, be patient with yourself.

This need not be complicated. The going in does not have to be an active searching or something, but rather simply an awareness, a quiet looking. It is more passive than active. Just being still.

And during these moments of silence, you will notice how awake you are…and discover the magnificent beauty within.

Today, find some silence in which to spend some moments.

When friends offer advice, listen carefully

Thu, 25 Feb 2010 23:10:00 +0000

This is an extract from OSHO:

“One of the great things to be learned is listening. Listen very silently. Just don’t listen indifferently. Don’t listen as if you want others to stop talking and you are just listening to be polite because they are your friends. In that case it is better to tell them not to say anything because you are not in the mood to listen. But when you are listening, really listen – be open, because your friends may be right. And even if they are wrong, listening to them will enrich you. You will learn more viewpoints, and it is always good to learn. So listen well, but always decide on your own.”

How often have we been guilty of not listening deeply? How often have we allowed our minds to ‘plan what we want to speak’ when the other person is speaking to us, and thus we were not fully present to listen? How often have we shut our minds from listening to others because of our ‘absolutist mentality’?

When we adopt an attitude of ‘absolutes’ we create a separation among ourselves, and this is where we see fighting among people because everyone claims the absolute truths. This attitude has crippled the whole earth.

To add to this discussion on listening, J. Krishnamurti said:

“Can one listen without any conclusion, without any comparison or judgment, just listen, as you would listen to music, to something which you really feel you love? Then listen not only with your mind, your intellect, but also with your heart, you listen with care, objectively, sanely, you listen with attention to find out.”

“There is an art of listening, which is to listen completely without any motive, because a motive in listening is a distraction. If you can listen with complete attention, then there is no resistance, either to your own thoughts or to what is being said – which does not mean you will be mesmerized by words. But it is only the very silent, quiet mind that finds out what is true, not a mind which is furiously active, thinking, resisting.”

Truth is vast. Nobody has any claim on it. It is nobody’s monopoly. Infinite are its facets and infinite are the ways to know it. What we know is limited; it is just one part.

Be open when we listen. There is so much to learn from one another, not just from your family and friends and people within your own community but from everyone.

Be amazed at what we discover and learn about ourselves and people when we open our hearts to listen…

Stay clear from negativity

Fri, 19 Feb 2010 02:30:12 +0000

I am certain many of us have experienced the ‘feeling of being sapped of energy’ after encounters with some people – be it at work or social gatherings or even at home. Whenever that happened, it could be that we have been ‘dragged’ into an environment of negative energies, and/or these people are basically ‘takers’ in life and have little or no consideration to ‘give back’ to others.

Though it can be a real challenge when it comes to managing the sensitivities of these people, your responsibility is first to yourself.

Get out of any situations that endorses negativity, causing you imbalance. People come together in relationships for growth, not for life. If a relationship sustains you, that is, if you’re both growing from it, and if it’s beautiful and it has energy (positive), you’re together for good. If not, either fix or ditch it. You don’t need situations that don’t support you or that lower your energy. You don’t owe anything to anyone. The only responsibility you have is to work on yourself to raise your energy. That will become your gift to the world. Pull back from negative situations and negative people. You don’t need to judge them or try to change them. Just allow them to follow their path. You may want to give them a little shove, if they won’t move, you move. Never mind security; preserve your soul.